Become a "friend" and you'll know more...?

3700 and counting. oh yea baby :)

hahaha oh man, life is ridiculous. and too funny. and im still a pussy but i cant help but laugh at it. cause what else is there to do? shrug whats done is done.

i am feeling far too many emotions then i can handle right now. lets see,
-frustration, anger, and worry (mostly for trying to not put my mom in the hole $172, and my phones screen is VERY VERY close to coming off),
-excitement, happiness and giddy (for talking to my homeboy elliott who i havent talked to in FOREVER!),
-confusion, irritation, and general perplexity (over wierd mother fuckin vibes and energy that are never in the same path or plane, wtf). and disappointment, hopefulness, and general concern (over some other friend and their relationship stuff).
i donno, im also real hungry right now so that doesnt help much.
shrug, whatever, life. ha funny how i was thinkin so much on respect and disrespect on the way home... i donno how i feel about those things any more, fuck.

my mama was doubting me, but
i think id be warm enough in freezing temperatures, (or 0 degrees Fahrenheit) w several top layers of thermal, and cashmere, and sweatshirt all under a leather jacket, w probably again several bottom layers of thermal, sweatpants, and carhart overalls.. i mean hell, if i needed to, id just live in my thermal onesy also, its like the warmest shit ever, AND it has a back door, how convenient!!

oh man, some how ive gotten myself into some weird situation... not bad weird or anything.. but a little strange. and im beginning to like her a bit.. but what the fuck thats just silly, fuckin across the world AND country.. haha. the internet has enabled some interesting things..

should i just spend all my money (including the money in my money market account) on a quite new and set automobile? or try and keep searching for that low price? oh man... i dont know what to do.. SHOULD i go south first? oh man... this is a dilemma for sure, i need some help here.. haha

really fucking hard to not project my negative energy onto others, if anything to project it onto inanimate objects or actions towards inanimate objects.
i wonder about others...
sometimes its damn difficult but then i remember silence...

desire.
this evening, desire has been good to me. but what it holds i have no idea just what i want, and just what i knowhow to get. alcohol. always a doorway to more that we see.
fuck i desire so much. and fuck i have only so little time in portland before i blow so much of it all. how do i live the most of it? how do i live every day like i want to fuck, like i want to give it all up, like i want to go. i dont know what to do w myself? again, a post about desire to be connected to someone or the attempt at being close to someone but after many years im just trying, w/o an expectation, and hoping for something beautiful before i leave. before desire is cut and i traveling w myself or the presnese of others. and i want to have a connection, a desire, and exchange w someone before im gone, before i have to give up that true thought of wanting someone for years. years. they said there is more to be said, more for me to know tho i beleive im aware of what exists. i feel like i have so little time, before i disappear, and am goin from this land of portland, i dont want to be stuck any longer, and ive given myself such a time limit i dont know what to o w my emotions but to express them. uhg how i hate alcohol and how it brings out what is hesitant of showing its face previously. i want to leave, andi dont know who ill be in contact w after that.. i want to feel those feelings now, but i djust dont know if they exist for me now.
i guess i just need to leave...
i can never be more then what i am, and i do try to be as true to myself as possible.. sometimes i just feel rushed...
fuck..

UPDATE: wow what a drunken ramble.

oh life..

i donno what im doin with myself. i mean, i donno.. w these personal thoughts, and these personal desires. so may around me who have arms to put around another.. maybe i just want to hold and be held too.. i want some thing, something nice, even for a minute, and even if its fake.. i donno. ive never been a fan of just any of random person and its funny how those thoughts come closer as i grow desperate. but where teh fuck do i meet random people? bars. shudder. i sorry finding some gay chick in a bar to take home/go home w does not sound appealing, it actually makes me shudder. haha. sigh i dont know. so i play in the past. i wonder, and ponder, and have no idea what im doin. i thought i would stay away from strait, girls w little experience w/women, and girls who are new go gay-hood. but ha, we've seen how well that hatches out. oh man. i donno, i donno i donno. women take over my mind, or my mind captures women, i dont know but either way its really not the best for me, and probably for the other as well. im rambling well now but it feels good to get some of these thoughts out. but seriously, can i just like remove this physical desire and mental desire to be attached or connected to another, im really not diggin it these days. uuhg why am i so intense?! i can barely handle it how would someone else desire to.. jeez. i mean, im not dissin on myself, im just frustrated w my feelings...
but oh herbs how you neutralize everything so well... bllaah
and i play w fire... oh man, and seriously waste my time away w nothingness.. or something, oh man.

man, i am frustrated. and blah. i dont know what to do with myself. or how to release this tension. too much has built up and i feel like i am going to explode. fuck fuck fuck. uhg. i just dont know.. but i feel like shit. its been a struggle keeping my head high. the thought of him always comes around and i just want to cry cry cry. i thought i was doin ok but its like a wave... UUUHHGG

funny how a storm can blow up real quick with out any warning..
my heart is throbbing a little, and tears are coming seeping from my eyes.
I know what he's going to tell me, i know it from the minute i heard his voice on the other side of the line. it just amazes me, at how quick anyone can go really, i donno, i just know ill miss him, a damn lot. even if he wasnt around much, i fuckin loved that boy.

my weekend off to relax just turned into stress trying to cram everything in... gah why do i do this to myself?

so much has happened recently. its hard to be able to include it all. and i dont wanna ramble forever cause, oh my we all know that can happen easily. but lets see..

about a month ago is when i broke my arm.. its been fucking interesting, a challenge thats for sure. the week after or so my grandfather passed away. i wanted to go back for his funeral so badly, but knew it would be financially irresponsiable considering the 900 dollar plane ticket, although thats were i truely desired to be. two influential blows at once. i guess it kind of put things in perspective for me. a little slap in the face. what the hell am i doing here. just living, thats all. what happened to the ambition and planning and mountain climbing. i needed to do something big something to jump start myself and the life id like to lead.

So coming to all this im seriously thinking about taking the trip to see the hemp farms. originally it was going to be with waldo, but he wanted to go for like a week or so, and i want to much more then go there and come back. i mean fuck, if your on the street might as well look around ya know. besides that i feel waldo and i's place in life is much different and would feel very uncertain to go on such a trip w him. then, with my grandfathers passing, i wanted to be with my family more then ever, the feeling really yearned. to do what i want, i have to be able to facilitate it myself. i have to be my own way. the purchase of a vehicle is in order. so there. ive decided to buy a truck, how perfect would that be to travel in, over lots of terrain and climates. more possibilities and securities and storage. in my opinion anyhow. so im buying a truck, hopefully and a cool camping canopy but we will see how much scrilla i can save, which im hopin could be a bit... currently i have a considerable amount and still another year or so to save. now that im doing this myself, i dont want to go alone, haha, id love for someone to come along for the ride and adventure, who's down to create a plan for us. who do

i know i can trust to commit and who could i stand in that sort of an environment?
who know, the one and only Montana :D probably one of the people who could really take this sorta trip to its peak. shes pretty much be doin that sorta thing in her life, traveling, working on farms, seeing whats out there. so shes in for the ride, and i cant stop thinking about it. ive broken down to maximum savings mode (while still living reasonably comfortable). But with my second work i am able to save a bit of money and if i could take better control of my smoking that would change alot of what i could save as well. haha.

i wanna go to alaska, drive back down to the states and across some top states, visit national forests, stay w my family, camp all along the way-out of the truck or hiking in a little w a tent, i wanna fish and grill it fresh. i wanna go to so many cities and stay with friends from all over, i wanna go to art museums, famous restaurants, and listen to audio books for hours. i wanna take photos and video and draw, and have the time and ability to mosey and wonder. i want to stay at farms, and work in gardens, and meet wonderful people, learn about communal living spaces, and sustainable living first hand. i want to see hemp farms and tour them, talk to their owners and find out how they started. i have so many ideas and possibilities floating around my head all the time, and its an amazing feeling to be working towards something.

theres alot of other things to consider too, financially and realistically as well.. car insurance, buying a car in good condition for this type of trip, all the crap i have now and storing it, emilio, obtaining credit incase of an emergency on the trip, what ill be doing when i return-school, work, living. i feel like alot of this stuff will just come with time though. it sounds soon, but id like to try and leave at the end of next summer. quit ikea at the beginning of summer, work at summer camp, begin storing and preparing to leave.. and theres just stuff id like to start doing before.. like maybe learning spanish via portland parks and rec classes since they are cheap. seeing about work paying for a childs early education class, maybe an auto class somewhere if possible.. i donno. just some thoughts.

on another hand i am also planning on purchasing some things soon that are kinda silly in relation to the plan i just unveiled, but im looking at a miyata bicycle to buy that is possibly a very similar size to my last one, it has been converted to a single speed (which ive been interested in getting). its about 300 bucks. but if i had that then someday i would be able to rebuild my old bike, because the gear system on that was AMAZING. i am also planning on getting at least 6 tattoos(maybe tech 8), but hoping i can figure out a way to make that not as expensive :) haha

but yea thats where i am right now. and i just wanted to share what. i feel really great about life right now, and am accepting in with open arms, good and bad. just tryin to accept it as life and live on a better plane. its all a challenge and its all a lesson, and those things can lead to greatness :)
[be impeccable with your word, dont take anything personally, dont make assumptions, always do your best]

{and as i notice the date, r.i.p. all those victims of this day eight years ago, and all those who've died fighting in the currant war, and for all those still alive in the service much love and support [know who you are :p]}

an amazing plan.

more soon to come... probably when i have 2 arms again, but know, it shall arrive :)

alot is going on. im pretty stressed out alot.. hmm lets see

grandpa's funeral was today. i didnt hear from anyone in ohio including my dad.
my arm is still broken...
14th moon is far too soon, i dont have my mask made, and only one arm to make it, i dont even really know what im going to do period..
julias going through some difficulties
my best friend has an ulcer and enlisted.
my heart is throbbing and i wish i could just enjoy the ceremony instead of exert so much energy on it..
i think i should be writing my dream down more

life is changing. im saving for a truck but dont even have a liscence. who knows what to do in life, really...

i can get this... http://www.landsalelistings.com/canada/quebec/land-northern-quebec/
but like, what the fuck, should i? now? how fucking sudden and drastic, but lands cheap now and it could be the time... fuck I DONT KNOW
HELP ME
hahaha

i want to change something big in my life. i have no idea what.

last night i dreamed that the ring i wear on my thumb every day was broken, in sections or segments, like a puzzle. it made me sad. this is what dreammoods said:
To see a ring in your dream, symbolizes emotional wholeness, continuity and commitments. If the ring is on your finger, then it signifies your commitment to a relationship or a successful new endeavor. It also indicates your loyalty to your ideals, responsibilities, or beliefs. AND To see a broken ring in your dream, indicates that your loyalty is called into question. Someone is attacking your sense of loyalty. It is indicative of disappointments and separation.
oh dreams.

the three people i have dated 6 months or longer (for the most part) have all cheated on me, with someone i cared about, or once cared about.. ha. wow.

and

i think i need to be seriously single for a while...