let me handle this...

steel_ur_heart@yahoo.com — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 09:16:58 GMT

3700 and counting. oh yea baby :)

i love sushi

steel_ur_heart@yahoo.com — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 18:57:28 GMT

hahaha oh man, life is ridiculous. and too funny. and im still a pussy but i cant help but laugh at it. cause what else is there to do? shrug whats done is done.

life has too many emotions at once

steel_ur_heart@yahoo.com — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 07:07:42 GMT

i am feeling far too many emotions then i can handle right now. lets see,
-frustration, anger, and worry (mostly for trying to not put my mom in the hole $172, and my phones screen is VERY VERY close to coming off),
-excitement, happiness and giddy (for talking to my homeboy elliott who i havent talked to in FOREVER!),
-confusion, irritation, and general perplexity (over wierd mother fuckin vibes and energy that are never in the same path or plane, wtf). and disappointment, hopefulness, and general concern (over some other friend and their relationship stuff).
i donno, im also real hungry right now so that doesnt help much.
shrug, whatever, life. ha funny how i was thinkin so much on respect and disrespect on the way home... i donno how i feel about those things any more, fuck.

what do ya'll think?

steel_ur_heart@yahoo.com — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 17:55:08 GMT

my mama was doubting me, but
i think id be warm enough in freezing temperatures, (or 0 degrees Fahrenheit) w several top layers of thermal, and cashmere, and sweatshirt all under a leather jacket, w probably again several bottom layers of thermal, sweatpants, and carhart overalls.. i mean hell, if i needed to, id just live in my thermal onesy also, its like the warmest shit ever, AND it has a back door, how convenient!!

fuckin technologies

steel_ur_heart@yahoo.com — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 19:23:50 GMT

oh man, some how ive gotten myself into some weird situation... not bad weird or anything.. but a little strange. and im beginning to like her a bit.. but what the fuck thats just silly, fuckin across the world AND country.. haha. the internet has enabled some interesting things..

new thoughts

steel_ur_heart@yahoo.com — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 22:31:10 GMT

should i just spend all my money (including the money in my money market account) on a quite new and set automobile? or try and keep searching for that low price? oh man... i dont know what to do.. SHOULD i go south first? oh man... this is a dilemma for sure, i need some help here.. haha

i try

steel_ur_heart@yahoo.com — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 05:54:07 GMT

really fucking hard to not project my negative energy onto others, if anything to project it onto inanimate objects or actions towards inanimate objects.
i wonder about others...
sometimes its damn difficult but then i remember silence...

oh what we want..

steel_ur_heart@yahoo.com — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 07:12:00 GMT

desire.
this evening, desire has been good to me. but what it holds i have no idea just what i want, and just what i knowhow to get. alcohol. always a doorway to more that we see.
fuck i desire so much. and fuck i have only so little time in portland before i blow so much of it all. how do i live the most of it? how do i live every day like i want to fuck, like i want to give it all up, like i want to go. i dont know what to do w myself? again, a post about desire to be connected to someone or the attempt at being close to someone but after many years im just trying, w/o an expectation, and hoping for something beautiful before i leave. before desire is cut and i traveling w myself or the presnese of others. and i want to have a connection, a desire, and exchange w someone before im gone, before i have to give up that true thought of wanting someone for years. years. they said there is more to be said, more for me to know tho i beleive im aware of what exists. i feel like i have so little time, before i disappear, and am goin from this land of portland, i dont want to be stuck any longer, and ive given myself such a time limit i dont know what to o w my emotions but to express them. uhg how i hate alcohol and how it brings out what is hesitant of showing its face previously. i want to leave, andi dont know who ill be in contact w after that.. i want to feel those feelings now, but i djust dont know if they exist for me now.
i guess i just need to leave...
i can never be more then what i am, and i do try to be as true to myself as possible.. sometimes i just feel rushed...
fuck..

UPDATE: wow what a drunken ramble.

steel_ur_heart@yahoo.com — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 20:33:43 GMT

oh life..

oh desires

steel_ur_heart@yahoo.com — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 17:44:18 GMT

i donno what im doin with myself. i mean, i donno.. w these personal thoughts, and these personal desires. so may around me who have arms to put around another.. maybe i just want to hold and be held too.. i want some thing, something nice, even for a minute, and even if its fake.. i donno. ive never been a fan of just any of random person and its funny how those thoughts come closer as i grow desperate. but where teh fuck do i meet random people? bars. shudder. i sorry finding some gay chick in a bar to take home/go home w does not sound appealing, it actually makes me shudder. haha. sigh i dont know. so i play in the past. i wonder, and ponder, and have no idea what im doin. i thought i would stay away from strait, girls w little experience w/women, and girls who are new go gay-hood. but ha, we've seen how well that hatches out. oh man. i donno, i donno i donno. women take over my mind, or my mind captures women, i dont know but either way its really not the best for me, and probably for the other as well. im rambling well now but it feels good to get some of these thoughts out. but seriously, can i just like remove this physical desire and mental desire to be attached or connected to another, im really not diggin it these days. uuhg why am i so intense?! i can barely handle it how would someone else desire to.. jeez. i mean, im not dissin on myself, im just frustrated w my feelings...
but oh herbs how you neutralize everything so well... bllaah
and i play w fire... oh man, and seriously waste my time away w nothingness.. or something, oh man.

uhg

steel_ur_heart@yahoo.com — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 17:52:13 GMT

man, i am frustrated. and blah. i dont know what to do with myself. or how to release this tension. too much has built up and i feel like i am going to explode. fuck fuck fuck. uhg. i just dont know.. but i feel like shit. its been a struggle keeping my head high. the thought of him always comes around and i just want to cry cry cry. i thought i was doin ok but its like a wave... UUUHHGG

RIP

steel_ur_heart@yahoo.com — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 07:20:03 GMT

funny how a storm can blow up real quick with out any warning..
my heart is throbbing a little, and tears are coming seeping from my eyes.
I know what he's going to tell me, i know it from the minute i heard his voice on the other side of the line. it just amazes me, at how quick anyone can go really, i donno, i just know ill miss him, a damn lot. even if he wasnt around much, i fuckin loved that boy.

weekend off to relax?

steel_ur_heart@yahoo.com — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 16:22:07 GMT

my weekend off to relax just turned into stress trying to cram everything in... gah why do i do this to myself?

most of it has finally come out :D

steel_ur_heart@yahoo.com — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 08:17:16 GMT

so much has happened recently. its hard to be able to include it all. and i dont wanna ramble forever cause, oh my we all know that can happen easily. but lets see..

about a month ago is when i broke my arm.. its been fucking interesting, a challenge thats for sure. the week after or so my grandfather passed away. i wanted to go back for his funeral so badly, but knew it would be financially irresponsiable considering the 900 dollar plane ticket, although thats were i truely desired to be. two influential blows at once. i guess it kind of put things in perspective for me. a little slap in the face. what the hell am i doing here. just living, thats all. what happened to the ambition and planning and mountain climbing. i needed to do something big something to jump start myself and the life id like to lead.

So coming to all this im seriously thinking about taking the trip to see the hemp farms. originally it was going to be with waldo, but he wanted to go for like a week or so, and i want to much more then go there and come back. i mean fuck, if your on the street might as well look around ya know. besides that i feel waldo and i's place in life is much different and would feel very uncertain to go on such a trip w him. then, with my grandfathers passing, i wanted to be with my family more then ever, the feeling really yearned. to do what i want, i have to be able to facilitate it myself. i have to be my own way. the purchase of a vehicle is in order. so there. ive decided to buy a truck, how perfect would that be to travel in, over lots of terrain and climates. more possibilities and securities and storage. in my opinion anyhow. so im buying a truck, hopefully and a cool camping canopy but we will see how much scrilla i can save, which im hopin could be a bit... currently i have a considerable amount and still another year or so to save. now that im doing this myself, i dont want to go alone, haha, id love for someone to come along for the ride and adventure, who's down to create a plan for us. who do

i know i can trust to commit and who could i stand in that sort of an environment?
who know, the one and only Montana :D probably one of the people who could really take this sorta trip to its peak. shes pretty much be doin that sorta thing in her life, traveling, working on farms, seeing whats out there. so shes in for the ride, and i cant stop thinking about it. ive broken down to maximum savings mode (while still living reasonably comfortable). But with my second work i am able to save a bit of money and if i could take better control of my smoking that would change alot of what i could save as well. haha.

i wanna go to alaska, drive back down to the states and across some top states, visit national forests, stay w my family, camp all along the way-out of the truck or hiking in a little w a tent, i wanna fish and grill it fresh. i wanna go to so many cities and stay with friends from all over, i wanna go to art museums, famous restaurants, and listen to audio books for hours. i wanna take photos and video and draw, and have the time and ability to mosey and wonder. i want to stay at farms, and work in gardens, and meet wonderful people, learn about communal living spaces, and sustainable living first hand. i want to see hemp farms and tour them, talk to their owners and find out how they started. i have so many ideas and possibilities floating around my head all the time, and its an amazing feeling to be working towards something.

theres alot of other things to consider too, financially and realistically as well.. car insurance, buying a car in good condition for this type of trip, all the crap i have now and storing it, emilio, obtaining credit incase of an emergency on the trip, what ill be doing when i return-school, work, living. i feel like alot of this stuff will just come with time though. it sounds soon, but id like to try and leave at the end of next summer. quit ikea at the beginning of summer, work at summer camp, begin storing and preparing to leave.. and theres just stuff id like to start doing before.. like maybe learning spanish via portland parks and rec classes since they are cheap. seeing about work paying for a childs early education class, maybe an auto class somewhere if possible.. i donno. just some thoughts.

on another hand i am also planning on purchasing some things soon that are kinda silly in relation to the plan i just unveiled, but im looking at a miyata bicycle to buy that is possibly a very similar size to my last one, it has been converted to a single speed (which ive been interested in getting). its about 300 bucks. but if i had that then someday i would be able to rebuild my old bike, because the gear system on that was AMAZING. i am also planning on getting at least 6 tattoos(maybe tech 8), but hoping i can figure out a way to make that not as expensive :) haha

but yea thats where i am right now. and i just wanted to share what. i feel really great about life right now, and am accepting in with open arms, good and bad. just tryin to accept it as life and live on a better plane. its all a challenge and its all a lesson, and those things can lead to greatness :)
[be impeccable with your word, dont take anything personally, dont make assumptions, always do your best]

{and as i notice the date, r.i.p. all those victims of this day eight years ago, and all those who've died fighting in the currant war, and for all those still alive in the service much love and support [know who you are :p]}

i have

steel_ur_heart@yahoo.com — Sat, 29 Aug 2009 08:31:59 GMT

an amazing plan.

more soon to come... probably when i have 2 arms again, but know, it shall arrive :)

end o august update

steel_ur_heart@yahoo.com — Sat, 22 Aug 2009 09:25:15 GMT

alot is going on. im pretty stressed out alot.. hmm lets see

grandpa's funeral was today. i didnt hear from anyone in ohio including my dad.
my arm is still broken...
14th moon is far too soon, i dont have my mask made, and only one arm to make it, i dont even really know what im going to do period..
julias going through some difficulties
my best friend has an ulcer and enlisted.
my heart is throbbing and i wish i could just enjoy the ceremony instead of exert so much energy on it..
i think i should be writing my dream down more

life is changing. im saving for a truck but dont even have a liscence. who knows what to do in life, really...

HEMPIRE FOR REEALLZZ

steel_ur_heart@yahoo.com — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 09:36:06 GMT

i can get this... http://www.landsalelistings.com/canada/quebec/land-northern-quebec/
but like, what the fuck, should i? now? how fucking sudden and drastic, but lands cheap now and it could be the time... fuck I DONT KNOW
HELP ME
hahaha

steel_ur_heart@yahoo.com — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 23:24:59 GMT

i want to change something big in my life. i have no idea what.

last night i dreamed that the ring i wear on my thumb every day was broken, in sections or segments, like a puzzle. it made me sad. this is what dreammoods said:
To see a ring in your dream, symbolizes emotional wholeness, continuity and commitments. If the ring is on your finger, then it signifies your commitment to a relationship or a successful new endeavor. It also indicates your loyalty to your ideals, responsibilities, or beliefs. AND To see a broken ring in your dream, indicates that your loyalty is called into question. Someone is attacking your sense of loyalty. It is indicative of disappointments and separation.
oh dreams.

discovery of the day!

steel_ur_heart@yahoo.com — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 05:58:21 GMT

the three people i have dated 6 months or longer (for the most part) have all cheated on me, with someone i cared about, or once cared about.. ha. wow.

and

i think i need to be seriously single for a while...

wow

steel_ur_heart@yahoo.com — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 02:09:46 GMT

sometimes i suck so hard. and ussually only fucks w me..

silly life

steel_ur_heart@yahoo.com — Sun, 24 May 2009 02:17:17 GMT

my life is silly. way too fucking silly... hahahahahaha..haha, ha.

steel_ur_heart@yahoo.com — Fri, 22 May 2009 09:09:05 GMT

i keep having so much to say, so much i want to express with words, but when i get to a place to do so they are lost. fuck.

im impatient, still have lots to learn. but fuck am i trying. and i trying to talk abou tit all too. so it works better, they attempt. i donno what im saying its late and i rambling. donno why.. anywho dreaming in spanish is really fucking interesting and i need to remember my dreams more which means less weed at bedtime. yesyes.. hm.. goodnight

astrology for the week of may 14

steel_ur_heart@yahoo.com — Fri, 15 May 2009 02:42:46 GMT

Capricorn: "there are two things to aim at in life," wrote essayist Logan Pearsall Smith. "First to get what you want, and after that to enjoy it. Only the wisest of mankind achieve the second." You re currently in a position, however, to accomplish that magical second aim, capricorn. More then ever before, you have the power to want what you actually have... to enjoy the fruits of your labors... to take your attention off the struggle so that you may fully love the experiences your struggle has earned you.

Sagittarius: I'm not necessarily saying you fell into a hole a while back, but if you did, the time is right to extricate yourself. Your strength is returning and help is in the neighborhood. Likewise, I'm not making an authoritative pronouncement that you did indeed cast a little curse on yourself during a careless moment. But if something like that did occur, you're entering an excellent phase to undo the mistake. You're awakening to how you went awry, and thats the first crucial step in correcting for the messy consequences.

steel_ur_heart@yahoo.com — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 20:43:47 GMT

i feel like fucking shit right now. i just got this fucking shoe towear for the next 5 days cause i fucked up my foot and it may be a stress fracture. and then sonja thinks now is not the time for us. and smaland doesnt exist so fuck working. fuck. fuck. i feel like fucking SHIT.

trouble in cali

steel_ur_heart@yahoo.com — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 20:07:07 GMT

uhg, life is crazy. san francisco was fun, but also too much money spent and too many negative mishaps. so kacee is a bit of an agressive driver, and we ended up getting called in because of it, and a highway patrol officer pulled us over. asked if ther was weed in the car kacee said no, he called in another female patrol officer to come so she could search us and he could search the car. at first kacee was trying to say no but when she did we all opposed and got our weed together thinking it would probably be better then them searching for it. gave him about a half o, and he was like, "this is all you have? you know this stuff grows in peoples backyards around here right?" he took kacee first, female officer searched her harsher then all of us, handcuffed her and put her in the males car. then charlene, then julia, and christine and myself. before he took us, i didnt konw what to do with the gram of hash i had, scared it could be mistaken for something else, i dont know more to happen to us then necessary, so i swallowed it. so he talked ot me a little since i was the last one in the car, asked why kacee was driving the way she was, i said she was frustrated with people going below the speed limit, he talked about how the roads are dangerous and how we could have died and about the last person who died in the roads and that kinda stuff. she searched me, my hat fell off and she let me take it. the whole time they were telling us we werent being arrested. thank fucking god. i was trippin. we all got misdemeanors for possession of less the an oz of weed because we all said it was all of ours. though each ticket is alittle different.. i was the only person he asked ethnicity, although both kacee and christine have hispanic last names. said we would get something in the mail about how to deal with it. and let us go. fuck you. they barely searched the car. they could have pinned much more on us if they wanted. there was a scale, tons of paraphernalia, lots of blunt roaches. they only took the weed. what the fuck. fuck that. im pissed. i need to get out... very badly.

and then some other stuff that just confuses me to the maximum.